I've never seen an actual train wreck, but I have to imagine, if it happened in front of me, I'd watch. That's what these shows are like. The people on them are a mess. We're not sure if they are aware that they aren't being presented positively, but we have to think that, by now at least, most of them don't care. These shows are a train wreck, and sometimes I like the fact that I can't look away.

Top Train Wreck Shows

5. Moonshiners

If there was no demand for backwoods liquor, there would be no suppliers, and then we would be without the Discovery Channel's 'Moonshiners'. That would be a shame, because there is nobody whose subtitles I would rather read than these guys. They're just good old Appalachians who want to make homemade liquor. The show also features the cops who have to try to bust them, and as I watch, I always wonder why they don't just follow the cameraman to the still site.

4. Jersey Shore

It started as something that we were sure would be a flash in the pan. Then, the worse it got, the more we wanted to watch. On the show we learned that bronzer is a perfectly good substitute for tanning lamps, clubbing every night can lead to bestsellers and guys can take longer to do their hair than girls. Also, man that bleep button...this could be a busy night for a censor.

3. Sin City Rules

They had me at 'If I want a monkey, I get a monkey.' That's a line from the promo of Sin City Rules on TLC. I'm not sure how long it will last, but this one is like watching a train that was carrying volatile chemicals spill over into a fiery canyon. The women are...gosh, I'm even scared to comment for fear they may use their looks that kill to send a ballistic glance from Las Vegas to Fort Collins.

2. Full Throttle Saloon

What's the best way for a girl who is sort of hot to be considered a beauty queen? Go to Sturgis. If everyone is short, people with medium height will seem tall. Full Throttle Saloon on truTV follows the debauchery that happens when hundreds of thousands of bikers converge on the small town in South Dakota to drink a lot of alcohol. I'm way to metrosexual and preppy for this scene, so watching Full Throttle Saloon is as close to Sturgis as I ever hope to be. As in Moonshiners, without subtitles for whatever 'merican dialect they are speaking, it would be Greek to us.

1. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

I almost don't want to see Alana, the Honey Boo Boo of TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, as an adult. I just want to remember her when she was young and cute. She speaks an unintelligible mix of young person meets a community where diction and inflection are things that don't even make it to English class. Her diet consists almost entirely of food bought from a convenience store. Her parents are grandparents in their early 30's. If a train crashed next to a TV with an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on it, I just wouldn't know what to look at. Pray that day never comes.